Dear.. ♥

Dear..
I just want you to know I don't hate you. Not even after what you've done.
I wish you could feel even half the pain I feel, to fully realise what you have done to me.
I wish you had to deal with the nightmares && flashbacks, the lying to everyone else about
reasons for them and why I'm hurting so much because I am ASHAMED to admit what you have done to me. I hate that you managed to make me feel WEAKER, if that was possible, then I already was feeling at the time, you used and abused me for your own gratification and declared it as 'Love' I wish you knew what it was like to have messed up relationships because I struggled to be intimate with them.. And at some points it being just too much to have them anywhere near me. You don't understand the pain, and that I'm not a tease. When I said 'No' I meant it.. I have never loved you in a sexual way and I never will. I did love you. I was in awe of what I considered a miracle. I'd never had a friend before, being bullied the way I was certainly put anyone else off the idea of being my friend.. but you, an older boy. Not only did I have a friend, I had a friend who could and promised to look after me. When you first were touching me, I didn't realise it was wrong, it was a 'game' that you liked to play and even though it felt wrong I wanted to please you.. As I got older we went through it being a 'best friends' thing.. that I OWED you this.. then we got all the way up and into fear, I was scared of you. Terrified. I didn't know how you could hurt me so much whilst loving me. The beatings, uncontrollable and irrational.. I never knew when one was coming.. it completely kept me on edge, I would jump at any little sound.. With age it all got worse, the touching and the beatings, the older I got more I said 'No' and in accordence, then the consequencing beating. Then came the crying, the begging.. the promises.. although you never kept to them. You played on my nature with your promises, knowing that I wanted to help you.. Things continued getting worse, and similtaniously they were getting worse in every other aspect of my life too.. my home life, and school..
When I finally broke and told a friend, although I begged for her silence, I was terrified you'd find out.. and when she went to the police behind my back.. you did.. Lying to you scared me more then lying ever had before, telling you that I didn't know how people knew about things. More people were getting involved and I suppose because you were scared of me telling you got worse again.. I was confused. I loved you and I thought you loved me, yet the way you acted most of the time wasn't love. You hurt me. Used and abused me.
And even once I got older, beyond being a child, it still wasn't enough..
I don't hate you, I pity you. I want you to tell me why? Why? I was just a kid, I was 9 when you first touched me and 17 when it stopped apart from an occasional time. You took 8 years of my life. 8 years I lived in fear. 8 years of my life I will never get back.. You took my childhood, which is supposed to be carefree and fun and turned it into something sick and twisted, for your own games and enjoyment. You owe me so much but all I want is an answer.

Why?