Tired.

Im tired.
So so tired.
My head is pounding, I'm crying so hard I can barely see and yet I still can't sleep. :/
FUCK YOU!! Aghhhhhhh! I wanna be angry about it but because I don't even know why it's happening I do not yet have a source of outlet for my anger. Although to be honest..
I don't think I really even have the energy for anger..
Physically, I feel SHIT. Beyond shit, I'm aching and in random pain, can't seem to get warm and am struggling to sleep. I do have alot on my mind at the moment, which it wouldn't suprise me to find is the cause of this, but I have no-one. No-one to talk to, no-one I can be honest with and no-one I can trust.
I feel to shit to say much more.
I'm sorry I'm not posting much at the moment.. It's getting harder to focus on anything;
On a brighter note; [just thought] I wonder if this is the beginning of my mood coming back up?? Hmm.. More thought is needed.

Today

Todays been a struggle. I feel so.. agitated.. and low.. but I have energy, except it's mainly the agitated sort which sucks.. I'm struggling to sleep again.. It's annoying. I'm trying to rest as and when I can but things just aren't working too well with regards to that.
I've told my family I'm not going over, my mum didn't seem bothered and one of my sisters told me I was being 'harsh' one of my other sisters, was a bit more insistent that I came over and didn't like it much when I still refused, but she didn't bother insulting me or anything so it was easier. I haven't heard from them since I told them, so I guess I'm either being disowned, or they're just really annoyed with me.. Haven't decided how I feel about that to be fair. On one hand, I feel like I'm not even worth fighting for, but on the other hand, I'm so relieved that it wasn't too hard, that I havent been getting calls demanding I change my mind etc...

Control.

I  was talking with my support worker this morning, about the things I try and control..

Food && exercise are obvious ones, but my moods and emotions, speshly crying.. is a big no no for me. I try and refuse to think about/remember my past, despite having no control over flashbacks and dreams, etc.. which makes it all the more illogical. I desperately try and control my present; because I can't stand the thought of this getting worse, and I hope in controlling the present I can control my future and make things better. Of course, it doesn't quite work like that.. All my eating disorder behaviours are back, I am eating an stupidly small amount of calories a day, and walking alot. Recently, it was only about 12 miles a day, but today, I walked 24 miles.. because my schedule was ruined and it was the only way I could appease my anxiety about it all.. I plan, each and every part of every day and the imense anxiety and complete freak out mode I end up in if things are changed.. I'm still confused over what to do about it.. I know that its not 'healthy' to be living like this but I don't really wanna allow the loss of control to continue and this seems to be the best way.. I don't know what to think anymore. My head is full. Overflowing. And I can't make sense of any of it.. there's too much there.. It feels simpler to just keep the lid on it all, not let it get to me and manage it in whatever ways I have to.

Tough.

These last couple of days have been particularly tough. And nothing has changed, so I'm not exactly sure why. I am functioning. I am getting up out of bed every day, eating something most days and making sure I walk most days. I am neglecting my friends and family though. It's hard, I don't want to cut myself off from them, but I know what they would have to say about my coping methods and to be be honest, I just don't wanna hear it. It may be the truth, it may be opinion, a judgement.. it's not what I need.. I KNOW it's not healthy [but neither is being overweight] but right now I need this focus for my life, I need something else to 'live' for.. a reason to not jump in front of the next train, a reason to get out of bed every day, to wash and dress and try and get something done each day. Small, miniscule achievements. That at the moment, are the most I can do. The most I can deal with, memories in all forms are bad. Dreams. Flashbacks.. I had a horrendous flashback earlier, a real 'reliving' it one.. Once it was over, I just cried. I was shaking so hard, I ended up dropping and consequently smashing a mug when I tried to get a drink, then I gave up and just curled up and hoped the urges to hurt myself would pass. 
I feel like a mess inside. Like I'm falling apart from the inside out.. So I cannot blame myself for trying to lose myself in these ways. It feels safer then what I've got now. Sometimes I even have a sense of sastifaction from it all, and thats the best I've felt in over a month odd. I'm not sure how I'm trying to convince really. Other people. 
Or myself.

Abuse Dreams ♥ [Trig]

I've felt really 'out of it' all day.. really dissociated I suppose, the dreams seem to be so bad at the moment; both the frequency and the content. What I don't understand is how they are 'chosen' I mean, I very, very frequently dream about the very first rape by my abuser.. but by no means was that the 'worst' one in terms of physical damage.. I know there was often days I would wake up, go for a shower and find myself covered in bruises with no recollection of how I'd got them.. Sometimes, more then once a week new bruises appearing. As I got older, I always assumed injuries I couldn't recall were him and didn't question it. I still don't remember all the incidents I'm sure && I don't think I really want to. I mean I suppose in terms of shock and disbelief and pain plus the fact I didn't dissociate at all that first time maybe makes it that much worse in my memory, the fact I can remember every minute and have failed consistently to get it out of my head since it happened. I've stopped remembering new stuff as well.. I wasn't sure what that meant really. I was told when my brain was 'safe' and felt I would/could cope with it the memories would start coming back, which at first they did.. but then they stopped and they're hasnt been anything new since. I wonder if it's trying to tell me I'm not ready for more.. struggling enough with what I've already remembered on top of times I knew anyway. I think the thing that really gets to me about that first rape [other then the obvious] was the fact I cried for my mum, I've never been close to my mum; always wanted to be but there's always managed to be things getting in the way, whether her own issues or mine, but yeah, crying and wanting my mum.. Plus the fact he never let me forget that EVER again.. Everytime I was like 'I hate my mum' or something similar he was like 'Never stopped you crying for her like a baby'
Typically, he always neglected to remember WHY I was crying in the first place..
What made it worse also. That night when I'd actually got back home, I was late home, my mum had a proper flip out at me for being late without even asking why.
He was right as far as I concerned about her not giving a shit. I looked a COMPLETE mess.. I barely recognised myself when I looked in the mirror when I went to wash. Unsuprisingly I suppose. Still. That reaction; although she didn't know what she was reacting to as such, put an even bigger block between us.. and gave him even more basis to get on at me about how my family didn't give a shit about me and how he was the only person I'd ever have.

Baby Sister.

This was the other week infact, but I didn't write about it until
I'd got my head around it abit more..
My little sister told me she wanted to kill herself.
My LITTLEST sister; for gods sake she's only 12 what is this 
world coming too. I'm sad, angry and feel completely useless. 
[Not angry at her, you'll understand;angry at the reasons for her feeling this way]
Our baby of the family has severe learning difficulties so struggles intensely with communication. My dad had mentioned to me that he didn't 
think she was coping well with mum's illness and her being back 
home again after so long away.. but when he'd spoken  to her 
about it, he only got shrugs and 'I dont knows'
Like I said, communication is definately not her strong point. Nor 
is relating to other people.. or change. So all three within one is 
NOT going to be something she can cope with..
Anyway, I was over there looking out for mum whilst dad was working, 
my other sisters went upstairs with my mum and were busy with whatever.. 
She was drawing.. and asked if she could show me her pictures.. 
She sat across the edge of the chair slightly over me and opened her 
book and explained her pictures to me. I flicked through the book; 
she'd done quite a lot.. I opened the book to the back and it said  
*spelt wrong* 'I hete mum' I asked her about it and she took her 
book away from me. I turned and put my arms around her and 
said lets have a chat.

Me: So is that how you feel about mum?
Sister: Yeah, I dont know, Sometimes.
Me: When did you write this?
Sister: *shrugs* Last month.
Me: And do you still feel the same now?
Sister: Yeah.
Me: When you think about mum how does it make you feel?
Sister: Angry. I hate her so much. She's not nice.
Me: In what way is she not nice?
Sister: She doesn't talk to me anymore. 
She's always busy with the others. No-one talks to me anymore.

Me: Is that whats making you so sad?

*Sister crying by this point*
Sister: Sort of. But not only that.
Me: What else is going on?
Sister: I can't tell you.
Me: Why not?
Sister: I just can't.

Me: Is this anything to do with school? How's that going now?

No, more bullying? *she'd been being bullied but it's sorted*
Sister: No, I'm not, not anymore. But no-one talks to me.
Me: No-one?
Sister: Except to answer the register I can not talk and no-one would care.
Me: What about friends? Break and lunch times?
Sister: I don't have any friends. They all hate me at school. 
At break and lunch I sit in the libary or computer room by myself.
Me: Is that social group they put you in not helping then?
Sister: No.
Me: Well, you have only been there 2 terms babe.. maybe it'll just take a little time.
Sister:*shrugs*

Me: Is that whats making you really sad? Is it boys? The girls? 

When  did you last see 'C' *her friend from her last school before she changed to a special needs school*
Sister: I don't have any friends Steph, even 'C' wont play with me anymore because I'm stupid.
Me: Have you not seen her since moving schools?
Sister: No.
Me: Maybe you cant start some after school clubs and things to get to know more people there?
Sister: Can't, the bus doesn't drop off here that late.

Me: Well, I'm sure we can figure something out.

After more asking, I suggested we went for a walk, thinking 
maybe she was worried about being over heard, plus she's 
not keen on being directly looked at when being spoken to 
[like me; but I cope better with walks && talks]

Me:So are you gonna tell me whats getting you so upset? 

Please, I'm not going to be angry babe, I just wanna help 

and I can't help unless you tell me whats wrong..
Sister:*looking away* I want to kill myself

Me: Have you told anyone else this? I'm glad you've told me.

How long have you felt like this?
Sister: A few weeks maybe?.
Me: Have you thought about how'd you do it?
Sister: No. But it'd make everything better.
Me: How would it? We'd all miss you.
Sister: No they wouldn't. They wouldn't care. 
They've got mum back now so I get ignored.

Me: That doesn't mean they wouldn't care. Babe, I'm not trying to 

excuse them because ignoring you isnt right, but they are very very 

busy at the moment sorting all the stuff out for mum now she's finally home..
Sister: It's always about mum.
Me: Does that make you angry?
Sister: Yes. It's like she gets to be horrible and gets her own way all the time.
Me: I would miss you.
Sister: You are the only one that cares Steph. Can't I come and live with you?
Me: Babe, if I could have you I would, believe me, but it's just not something that gonna happen.. I wouldn't be deemed stable enough I dont think..
Sister: I hate being at home. All 'T' && 'G' *other sisters* do all the time is have a go at me, or laugh at me because I'm stupid. I hate being stupid. It's not fair.
Me: That's not fair, and we'll talk to Dad about it and see if he can stop them, okay? Plus your not stupid babe, you are just as clever as other people, you just learn in a different way.. everyone learns in different ways.. I have to use lots of pretty coloured pens and stickers when I'm learning to help me remember just like you use your extra things to help you.
Sister: None of them listen to me.
Me: Well, I'll come with you and we'll talk to them together.
Sister: What? No. We can't tell them.
Me: Why not? They need to know babe..
Sister: Why can't YOU help me.
Me: I will do everything I can do, I will be here anytime you need to talk, I'll get you out of the house, and we'll spend time together, but I'm not your legal guardian.. in proper terms, I can't get you any other kinda of support. Thats why mum and dad need to know.
Sister: But they'll be mad.
Me: No they wont, they'll just want to help.
Sister: They were angry with you.
Me: Yeah, I know.. but it'll be okay. They wont be angry.
Sister: Are you sure?
Me: Yes. *please don't get angry!*
Sister: Okay..

Me: How are you sleeping at the moment?

Sister: I keep waking up during the night..
Me: Oh right, how come?
Sister: I don't know.. I just do, and then I cant sleep for a few hours.
Me: Again babe, I'm very glad you told me, I promise I will do everything I can to get you some support.. would you mind talking to someone about these kinda things babe?
Sister: I dont know. Mum and Dad wouldn't like it.
Me: Don't worry about them, I'll handle them, do you think it would help to have someone to talk to?
Sister: Yeah, maybe.
Me: I'll speak to Dad, and we'll see what we can do.

[Note: this isn't the full conversation. Just most of the relevant bits.. 
I also missed out a lot of *shrugging* and 'I don't know's'] 

Okay. Now, I'll be honest. My fear. Quite seriously.
Is that my parents will do nothing about it.
Whether its because they don't believe it to be enough 
of a problem or because they don't think she'd actually do 
something to herself.. etc.. Whatever the reason it's obviously 
not acceptable but there's only such a point I can 'interfere' 
*as they call it* before they'll just refuse to let me go down there to visit. 
Which doesn't feel like a helpful option in regards to my sister.
As I feel she'll be needing me there.. but then what can I do to make 
sure she gets some support? I really don't know what to do.. 
There's no way I'll allow them to ignore like they ignored me 
when I was younger; the real younger ones have no voice because
we expect the adults to do the right things by them. Obviously
there's no actualy positivity this will happen. You just take the adults
word for it. I cant let things get as bad as they got for me because it 
was ignored but I'm not sure if there actually is anything I can do 
other then 'pester' my parents and try and get them to see how 
important this is...

Reactions!

I saw my support worker FINALLY on friday for a few hours [due to snow no-one was at work] But yeah, it was kinda joint for some of it with one of the other tenants who live here. Anyway; we ended up on the topic of attitudes towards our mental health issues.. starting on our families and friends, and then more in general.. we spoke about professionals and even in some cases there own ignorance and our annoyance of that considering there supposed to be there to help us when no-one else can.

In terms of the reactions I recieved, they have been fairly varied..

My parents ignored everything until they were having to take me/call ambulances more then once a week because of my self-harm/suicide attempts and at that point I hadnt figured out that passing out where people can very easily find you will ruin the plan..

My first GP was amazing even when by the time I was talking to her I was a mess.. Hallucinating and delusional, severely depressed and completely unable to function. Problematicly though was because I was convinced I was being poisoned by my mother, medications just weren't really much of an option. I know she was convinced that if my parents hadn't let things go on for so long, getting worse, then maybe being hospitalised wouldn't have been neccesary.

My maternal grandmother was brilliant. I mean AMAZING. She has her own diagnosis's anyway so I think she was definately able to empathise alot more with my plight. She told me that she was always there if I needed to talk and that she understood. I think at that point it was the very thing I needed to hear.

My best friend was brilliant. She was the ONLY person who visited me consistently when I was in hospital and continued after, she's still my best friend now; like another 7 hospitalisations onwards. Her mum has mental health issues though, so I think it was kinda like nothing could shock her, plus she'd been with me since the beginning *although we became closer as other friends couldn't cope with me being 'mental'* and had always said that she'd stick with me. I suppose I was just suprised to have someone actually do it.

Most of my other friends couldn't deal with it though, I lost a hell of a lot of friends during that first period, and then a few more later when things got excessively worse again.

My 'paternal' grandmother *'quote marks' being used because my father is not biologically my father, but thats a story for another time* was a lot more, move on with your life, get up, brush yourself off, your being stupid, lazy, pathetic..etc.. you name it she has probably said it.

My sisters reactions have greatly varied, when they were younger it was alot of the same stuff as my paternal grandmother, but once they got older and most people have that friend [whether close or not] that struggles in these kinda terms, so it was a lot more accepted and 'tolerated' It's not something they generally use against me anymore.. or use to throw in my face..Thank god the days of "Well, just go jump in front of a train" time comments are mainly over.

I think my biggest  dissapointment has been the attitude I have received from 'professionals' at times.. more often then I'm willing to remember really.. I think the fact that my diagnosis was 'Borderline Personality Disorder' made things the worst. [Despite the fact I don't agree with the diagnosis] It was often, "You've done this before, what ACTUALLY makes it different this time" "You feel like this a lot" Like feeling like killing myself regularly makes it OKAY! When I was hallucinating and delusional, it wasn't 'proper' psychosis, just puesdo-psychosis.. despite someone [before finding out my diagnosis] believing it was all the 'proper' stuff, not even mentioning the fact that the meds DO help me greatly.

To be told I probably just want attention when in fact the reason I was walking on train tracks was to attempt suicide.. Not exactly sure how thats supposed to be an attention thing, when you have cut your wrists, overdosed to high hell and attempted to hang yourself repeatedly and still find yourself alive because STUPID *but annoying caring* strangers feel the need to save you, phone police/ambulances.. the biggest problem is, the more I survive these damn attempts the more I'm percieved an 'attention-seeker' and therefore the more dangerous, impulsive and desperate my attempts become.

Assesments are supposed to be there to help you but they really don't, I get so anxious, I act angry and defensive, I know I am not going to be listened to *from experience* which stresses me out and fails to make me see the point in talking to them at all, which makes me look like a stroppy teenager, [Yes, I am still 19, therefore I AM still a teen; just about!] Just looking at my diagnosis makes up there minds for them, and although there are some periods when it's a relief when they wont keep me in, sometimes I really am UNABLE to keep myself safe and they refuse to help because I'm not really 'serious'
 There's all this bullshit everywhere of people not being discriminated against because of diagnosis's of personality disorders anymore.. and thats exactly what it is, BULLSHIT!

They can say that all they like but it's a complete and utter lie. It's not a diagnosis I agree with, I feel I was diagnosed FARRR too young and because that was there, everyone else chose not to look any further. I don't even fit half of the criteria, maybe a while ago I would of, but only at a stretch, if you refused to listen to my reasoning for things I've done.