Struggling ♥

I've been trying so hard to let people in recently, but its still so hard. 

Everyone has said, once I started doing it, it would get easier but instead, 

it almost feels harder. I DONT want to cry anymore.

I dont want to keep hurting myself, I want to feel normal, stable, safe.

I want these memories to go away, I can't deal with them and it just 

makes the urges worse. My eating's spiralling. Getting worse. 

I'm restricting more and more yet taking on more and more calorie burning 

activities, it's only been a month or so of it being more extreme and I feel

dizzy most of the time already. I'm scaring myself in so many ways yet I still

don't feel able to let go of it. It's my hope, my need, my control and it makes 

me feel safe in a sick twisted way. I know cutting isn't really going to make me 

feel better long term, but right now, I can't think about the future. I'm stuck in 

the past, with painful things, struggling to cope with the present. 

I want help yet dont. It's so tempting just to let my eating take over again, 

use it as my life-line. I'm back at a point where I don't know what else to do.

Things are just continuing to get worse whatever I do. I know for a while this

could make me everything that everybody wants, successful. Right now, 

I'm just everyone's failure. Everythings been a mess since leaving school and 

I've never been quite able to pick it up, I never wanted to return to my old eating habits

but now it just feels so right.