Today I have been fighting ALL day to not self-harm. I've been so tired yet because I was waiting for a delivery unable to sleep, and been feeling really not 'with it' dissociated I suppose. I did have nightmares last night.. they were worse then usual. Really triggering. Is there actually a way to get rid of these memories?!
I was told before that these things are still such a bother to my life because I've never resolved them in my mind, I never properly spoke about them, managed to reason with all the messing about that he was doing to my head. It's hard to think that now, I still blame myself for most things. I remember these things and automatically in my mind pops up 'But I deserved it' or 'I made him angry, what did I expect?' I wish I could just take a magic pill to make it all go away!
I've never given up the secrets, so in doing so I'm still loyal to him in my mind or something. I don't think I'm still loyal to him, I just think its humiliating beyond hell and there not really things I wanna admit to having happened. I feel weak, knowing I allowed him to destroy my life and still did nothing about it. I don't care about everyone saying I was scared of him and very much under his control.. It's true. I know. But it still makes me feel unbelievably weak.
I can't help wishing I'd never met him, or told the first time.
All this wishing though. Doesn't get me anywhere, just stuck further into all the regret.
I will admit it though.
I'm still scared.
Even now.
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