Diagnosis's! ♥

ARRGHHHHHHHHHH!
I wanna scream and throw things *in true Borderline fashion/Apparently* when I think of this stupidness that seems so important to stupid-ass professionals who get paid too much to do too little! [Not all I might add, just the ones I seem to be stuck in contact with at the moment]
Clinical Depression, Severe Depression, Depression with psychotic features; all a very similar thing yet so different, and yet I've been through all of them. When I was younger, even though my parent's refused to believe there was anything wrong with me and I was just going through a 'stage' Yeah, cause it's fucking normal for 9 years old to try and kill themselves obviously! 

Borderline Personality Disorder.

Well the DSM IV criteria for diagnosis is;
A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image and affects, as well as a marked impulsivity, beginning in early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following; 

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.

Being alone doesn't bother me at all. In fact, most of the time I prefer it, I understand at the time of diagnosis though I was very bothered by it although I think it was alot through not trusting myself to be alone safely.

2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationship characterized by alternation between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

My relationship with my family can be very unstable, but I wouldn't say intense.. Everyone else and me is fine. I don't think I idealize and devalue either, I don't think.. Hmm.

3. Identity disturbance:markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self. 

I think I NOW know myself pretty well, [I didn't used to at all] I do generally ALWAYS hate how I am, how I look, how I act.. etc, so I wouldn't say that's 'unstable'

4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging;promiscuous sex, eating disorders, binge eating, substance abuse, reckless driving)

I have recently engaged in promiscuous sex, but only when I'm very high in mood, manic, hypomanic type high. For me what makes it worse is when I'm in general/low mood I havent even reached a point where sex is 'okay' yet let alone enjoy it. I've had eating disorders in the past as well as binge eating at points as well. I have been incredibly reckless and abusive of alcohol before. Other then the sex part when manic and occasional eating disorder behaviours, I don't do the others anymore.

5. Recurrent suicidal behavious, gestures, threats or self-injuring behaviour such as cutting, interfering with the healing of scars or picking at ones self.

I was chronically suicidal for a long time, and obviously in that time made plenty of attempts, resulting in hospital stays, both medical and psychiatric. Plus I have self-harmed for years, but even that is so much less nowadays, I don't even self-harm most weeks now and can go months without. *Although that's normally when I'm manic/hypomanic* I also haven't tried to kill myself for over 6 months now.

6. Affective instablility due to marked reactivity of mood (eg; intense episodic dysphoria, irritablilty or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more then a few days.

My affect is unstable, yes. But I experience the higher side of all this aswell.. plus my mood last months rather than hours or days.

7. Chronic feelings of emptiness.

Is this similar to numb? I have days sometimes weeks or so when I feel empty and numb, but thats normally around my dissociate behaviour sort of time.

8.Inappropiate anger or difficulty controlling anger (eg; frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)

I do occasionally just 'blow up' But that happened a lot more when I was younger and very rarely now.

9. Transient, stress related paranoid ideation, delusions or severe dissociative symptoms.

I do have pretty severe dissociative symptoms althoughI don't notice them as much as I used to, but that could be down to doing less in my life so it doesn't interupt things in the same way. I have had paranoid ideation and delusions aswell as other psychotic symptoms but no-one seems able to decide if it's 'actual' psychosis or 'puesdo-psychosis' Stupid specifics, I don't care what it's called, I just want it to stop!

Borderline Personality Disorder; is a diagnosis I HATE! Well not the diagnosis, I understand that I used to fit it very well and [depending on how you interpret my answers maybe even still now] that it's not neccessarily wrong, but the way you get treated by services with this diagnosis.. is unbelievable. 

PTSD - Post traumatic Stress Disorder. 

A: Exposure to a traumatic event

This must have involved both (a) loss of "physical integrity", or risk of serious injury or death, to self or others, and (b) an intense negative emotional response. (The DSM-IV-TR criterion differs substantially from the previous DSM-III-R stressor criterion, which specified the traumatic event should be of a type that would cause "significant symptoms of distress in almost anyone," and that the event was "outside the range of usual human experience.")

Well, I was sexually, emotionally and physically abused from 9 - 17, minus a few incidents when I was 18. Plus, raped by a boyfriend at 13 and gang-raped and 16.

B: Persistent re-experiencing

One or more of these must be present in the victim: flashback memories, recurring distressing dreams, subjective re-experiencing of the traumatic event(s), or intense negative psychological or physiological response to any objective or subjective reminder of the traumatic event(s).

I have nightmares, and flashbacks pretty much every day, I freak out when I think about it, let alone try and talk about it, the police case didn't really start off as I wasn't able to give them details that they needed, and due to trying to kill myself I ended up in hospital. 

C: Persistent avoidance and emotional numbing

This involves a sufficient level of:

• avoidance of stimuli associated with the trauma, such as certain thoughts or feelings, or talking about the event(s);
• avoidance of behaviors, places, or people that might lead to distressing memories;
• inability to recall major parts of the trauma(s), or decreased involvement in significant life activities;
• decreased capacity (down to complete inability) to feel certain feelings;
• an expectation that one's future will be somehow constrained in ways not normal to other people.

I avoid talking about the memories, despite knowing I need to, I try and avoid sleeping sometimes because of the dreams, I avoid area's that things happened and people who may mention him or anything that's happened or try and make me talk about it. I appear to have dissociated from alot of it, so I have incomplete memories and all the confusion of that. I don't really participate in much in terms of lifes activities. I struggle with all feelings of love and trust now, Not sure who to trust and whether what I'm feeling is love or why am I not feeling love for someone.

D: Persistent symptoms of increased arousal not present before

These are all physiological response issues, such as difficulty falling or staying asleep, or problems with anger, concentration, or hypervigilance.

I always having difficulty falling asleep.. It's like a trust thing, I cannot seem to be PERFECTLY sure that he doesn't know where I am, that he's not going to find me, get me.. etc. I'm always on alert, and sounds and movements make me jump unbelievably *it wouldn't be so bad if people didn't find it funny and do it on purpose* I struggle with concentration sometimes, although that may be more to do with my moods.

E: Duration of symptoms for more than 1 month

Months and months and months :(

If all other criteria are present, but 30 days have not elapsed, the individual is diagnosed with Acute stress disorder.

F. Significant impairment

The symptoms reported must lead to "clinically significant distress or impairment" of major domains of life activity, such as social relations, occupational activities, or other "important areas of functioning".

Destroys things in so many ways; I cannot have a lasting 'sexual' relationship, I struggle to trust people and let them in, I have serious social anxieties and avoid other people. Working is completely out of the question, I struggle to accept help, I question everyone's motives for talking/being with me.. *I'll come back to this later*

Okay a PTSD diagnosis. I KNOW it's correct, but somehow it makes me feel weak and worthless. I know that it's not unreasonable for my functioning to be a bit off seeing what I've been through, but most days still; I feel it's my fault and that everything he said was right. People say it'll improve but I don't know.

OCD - Obsessive Complusive Disorder.

A. The Person Exhibits Either Obsessions or Compulsions

Obsessions are indicated by the following:

• The person has recurrent and persistent thoughts, impulses, or images that are experienced, at some time during the disturbance, as intrusive and inappropriate and that cause marked anxiety or distress
• The thoughts, impulses, or images are not simply excessive worries about real-life problems
• The person attempts to ignore or suppress such thoughts, impulses, or images or to neutralize them with some other thought or action
• The person recognizes that the obsessional thoughts, impulses, or images are a product of his or her own mind (not imposed from without as in thought insertion)

Compulsions are indicated by the following:

• The person has repetitive behaviors (eg, hand washing, ordering, checking) or mental acts (eg, praying, counting, repeating words silently) that the person feels driven to perform in response to an obsession or according to rules that must be applied rigidly
• The behaviors or mental acts are aimed at preventing some dreaded event or situation; however, these behaviors or mental acts either are not connected in a realistic way with what they are designed to neutralize or prevent or are clearly excessive. 

I complusively order, check, count, open/close doors, have specifics for things that shouldn't matter, my problem is I don't know WHY I feel like I need to do it; I have the 'solving' part of the puzzle but am not consciously aware of the obsessive thought that goes with it.

B. At some point during the course of the disorder, the person has recognized that the obsessions or compulsions are excessive or unreasonable. (Note: this does not apply to children.)

I realise my compulsions are excessive, unreasonable and in some cases down right ridiculous.

C. The obsessions or compulsions cause marked distress, are time consuming (take more than 1 hour a day), or significantly interfere with the person's normal routine, occupational/academic functioning, or usual social activities or relationships.

I don't do much really, so I'm not sure how much there would interfere with things, but I know they get me funny looks alot, and my friends dont really understand it.

D. If another axis I disorder is present, the content of the obsessions or compulsions is not restricted to it (e.g., preoccupation with drugs in the presence of a substance abuse disorder).

Nope. Completely random you would think.

E. The disturbance is not due to the direct physiologic effects of a substance (e.g., drug abuse, a medication) or a general medical condition.

Nope again.

I should be doing Bipolar Disorder now, but I've run out of energy.. I will complete this tommorow :)