FamilySo.
It's coming up to Christmas. Veryy soon indeed; 3 weeks. 22 days to be exact.
Am I happy about it? No!
I hate Christmas. It's all so fake, nancy fancy pancy stupidness, that, in my family anyway, does nothing but force lots of people together, who probably don't even want to be together. Forces them to be NICE to each other for fairly extended periods of time, you have to be with, talk to and eat in front of OTHER people.. now, I'm sorry, and I'm sure for some people Christmas is great, but for me, I struggle staying in the ROOM with other people for extended periods of time, let alone having 'proper' conversations about stupid worthless shit that no-one cares about, whilst others feel the need to remark, on my life, lack of qualifications, lack of job, lack of boyfriend and 'enough' friends, my weight and how I look.. I DONT need the 'Wow, havent you grown' conversation with the more elderly members of my family like it's the ONLY achievement I've made all year who will tell me the same thing again within the hour.
If I have to say, repeatedly ALL day;
"Yes, I'm fine, No, I still don't have a job, Yes, I was in hospital [AGAIN], No, I wont do something 'silly' like that again, Nope, No boyfriend on the horizon, Yes, I have gained weight, 'Thanks for noticing' *Obviously *rolls eyes && tries to dissapear** Yes, I do plan on eating this year, No it wasn't fair of me to refuse last year and the year before and 'ruin' those Christmas's *STOP TRIGGERING ME YOU STUPID BITCH!* I don't feel like I need anymore friends, I'm happy with the ones I've got."
And then theres all the stupid arguments. Stupid arguments about even more things no-one cares about like whether 'he' was a good step-grandfather or not, whether Nan's Christmas presents were fair for each of us, about how we get more for Christmas from our grandparents then my parent's do, from there OWN parents..etc.
Then theres Christmas dinner && buffet and Boxing day, doing it all over again. I struggle with food a lot of the time.. and things seem particularly bad at this time of year no matter how much effort I put in it's still not enough..
I havent ever eaten 'enough' Tried 'properly' How I'm selfish and spoilt; My family having gone to SOOO MUCH effort to make this meal, buffet etc.. for me to not have it. Or I am just being 'difficult and arkward' deliberately trying to 'ruin' Christmas [AGAIN]
It makes me feel like killing myself every year, I don't know how to deal with it all, I wouldn't kill myself cause I don't feel it's fair to 'permanently' ruin Christmas *although I regularly think they wouldn't give a fuck either way!*
Still I'm seriously considering just not turning up! But definately feel that would not go down well and with my mum having been really ill this year it would be ANOTHER failure of mine to add to the list..
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