Okay, so I'm feeling super fat today :/
Not quite sure what I can do about it to be honest..
When I'm on my lows I refuse to force exercise because I've done that before and I realise it just makes things worse.. && the last thing I need right now is to pass out.. I know I need to let my body adjust to a new amount of calories before I can force everything else. Plus I am still losing weight well so I should'nt really be too stressed about it, but I suppose it's because at this point I realise how much I'd 'let go' and am hating it..
Control.. for me is like breathing. Without it, I wont live, and without it everything could very well fall apart. I just wish I could be smaller.. faster.. I know that I'm losing weight fairly fast now anyway, but it just doesn't feel like enough really..
I suppose I see it as if I know how bad things really are then I know how much I need to sort out.. to fix.
I can't stop thinking about how fat I am.
Although I had forgotten how easy after the first week/ this restricting thing is.. It's not easier to say 'No' then to actually eat which is major improvement, so I need to give myself my dues.. I am worrying about Christmas already..
Theres gonna be family meals, meals with friends, meals with the tenants in the flat block.. I'm trying to think of excuses and things already.. but I know from experience it will always be, "But it's Christmas" So the fuck what! I'm still refusing to get fat over something that I dont believe in.. Christmas is supposed to be about Jesus and that kinda shit.. I don't believe in him and that, so why celebrate.. Nowadays it is all about presents.. yes.. but then money's not going so well at the moment anyway, after my last higher mood. I've been cutting again. I hate it. Yet I love it. It wasnt anywhere near the kinda scale I know I can get onto with my self-harm, but still quite the release.. It isnt going to help change my mood, or help anything in the long term.. I know that..but for the 'here and now' it helps. I can have Dr's and whoever else lecturing me on reasons why, but to be honest, I don't give a fuck why it helps.. it's just the fact it does that gets me through.. I gave my support worker meds last night.. I knew if I had them around I would have taken them. It's hard to trust myself with anything when I'm feeling this low. She said she wished she had a magic wand to help me out, but that it doesn't work like that.. I know.. I must get told that everytime I'm 'ill' Maybe not a magic wand, but I wouldn't mind a shooting star..
Although I don't know what I'd wish for. One wish; for a thousand wishes.
That sounds fair I think.
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