Abuse Dreams ♥ [Trig]

I've felt really 'out of it' all day.. really dissociated I suppose, the dreams seem to be so bad at the moment; both the frequency and the content. What I don't understand is how they are 'chosen' I mean, I very, very frequently dream about the very first rape by my abuser.. but by no means was that the 'worst' one in terms of physical damage.. I know there was often days I would wake up, go for a shower and find myself covered in bruises with no recollection of how I'd got them.. Sometimes, more then once a week new bruises appearing. As I got older, I always assumed injuries I couldn't recall were him and didn't question it. I still don't remember all the incidents I'm sure && I don't think I really want to. I mean I suppose in terms of shock and disbelief and pain plus the fact I didn't dissociate at all that first time maybe makes it that much worse in my memory, the fact I can remember every minute and have failed consistently to get it out of my head since it happened. I've stopped remembering new stuff as well.. I wasn't sure what that meant really. I was told when my brain was 'safe' and felt I would/could cope with it the memories would start coming back, which at first they did.. but then they stopped and they're hasnt been anything new since. I wonder if it's trying to tell me I'm not ready for more.. struggling enough with what I've already remembered on top of times I knew anyway. I think the thing that really gets to me about that first rape [other then the obvious] was the fact I cried for my mum, I've never been close to my mum; always wanted to be but there's always managed to be things getting in the way, whether her own issues or mine, but yeah, crying and wanting my mum.. Plus the fact he never let me forget that EVER again.. Everytime I was like 'I hate my mum' or something similar he was like 'Never stopped you crying for her like a baby'
Typically, he always neglected to remember WHY I was crying in the first place..
What made it worse also. That night when I'd actually got back home, I was late home, my mum had a proper flip out at me for being late without even asking why.
He was right as far as I concerned about her not giving a shit. I looked a COMPLETE mess.. I barely recognised myself when I looked in the mirror when I went to wash. Unsuprisingly I suppose. Still. That reaction; although she didn't know what she was reacting to as such, put an even bigger block between us.. and gave him even more basis to get on at me about how my family didn't give a shit about me and how he was the only person I'd ever have.