Tough.

These last couple of days have been particularly tough. And nothing has changed, so I'm not exactly sure why. I am functioning. I am getting up out of bed every day, eating something most days and making sure I walk most days. I am neglecting my friends and family though. It's hard, I don't want to cut myself off from them, but I know what they would have to say about my coping methods and to be be honest, I just don't wanna hear it. It may be the truth, it may be opinion, a judgement.. it's not what I need.. I KNOW it's not healthy [but neither is being overweight] but right now I need this focus for my life, I need something else to 'live' for.. a reason to not jump in front of the next train, a reason to get out of bed every day, to wash and dress and try and get something done each day. Small, miniscule achievements. That at the moment, are the most I can do. The most I can deal with, memories in all forms are bad. Dreams. Flashbacks.. I had a horrendous flashback earlier, a real 'reliving' it one.. Once it was over, I just cried. I was shaking so hard, I ended up dropping and consequently smashing a mug when I tried to get a drink, then I gave up and just curled up and hoped the urges to hurt myself would pass. 
I feel like a mess inside. Like I'm falling apart from the inside out.. So I cannot blame myself for trying to lose myself in these ways. It feels safer then what I've got now. Sometimes I even have a sense of sastifaction from it all, and thats the best I've felt in over a month odd. I'm not sure how I'm trying to convince really. Other people. 
Or myself.