Control.

I  was talking with my support worker this morning, about the things I try and control..

Food && exercise are obvious ones, but my moods and emotions, speshly crying.. is a big no no for me. I try and refuse to think about/remember my past, despite having no control over flashbacks and dreams, etc.. which makes it all the more illogical. I desperately try and control my present; because I can't stand the thought of this getting worse, and I hope in controlling the present I can control my future and make things better. Of course, it doesn't quite work like that.. All my eating disorder behaviours are back, I am eating an stupidly small amount of calories a day, and walking alot. Recently, it was only about 12 miles a day, but today, I walked 24 miles.. because my schedule was ruined and it was the only way I could appease my anxiety about it all.. I plan, each and every part of every day and the imense anxiety and complete freak out mode I end up in if things are changed.. I'm still confused over what to do about it.. I know that its not 'healthy' to be living like this but I don't really wanna allow the loss of control to continue and this seems to be the best way.. I don't know what to think anymore. My head is full. Overflowing. And I can't make sense of any of it.. there's too much there.. It feels simpler to just keep the lid on it all, not let it get to me and manage it in whatever ways I have to.