Eating Less=More Control?

My eating is a mess; I know I'm really falling with it this time, I managed to stop myself when I was relapsing last time, but I'm confused as to whether I really want to stop it.. I'm at a point where I NEED things to work, to go right. Where organisation and control is really going to be useful. I KNOW when I'm controlling my food, that everything else [minus relationships] goes well.. it all fits, everything just manages to come together in a way I have NEVER been able to manage without the eating part. I'm supposed to be re-starting college, moving [again] and learning to organise myself completely; in general..plus whatever else comes along on the way. I know it's a dangerous risk.. but I dont have to lose control of it all.. thats the whole point after all.. I want the control so I'm not going to let it go.
I know these thoughts get worse as the memories do, so I suppose in a way, that's effecting alot of my decisions regarding this. Like a 'final' you can't control me thing.. I control myself, I control me and no-one else does, EVER! It feels so welcoming. I don't know if that sounds right.. Like, I fasted today; I didn't plan to, at all, it's just in terms of time, I ran out of time I was willing to eat within so just not seemed to work.. and yet, it was easy. So unbelievably easy, it all felt so right. I don't feel patronised in any way for the first time in a long time. I KNOW I'm fat, ugly, stupid and whatever. It kind of feels 'right' to be able to just admit to it and at least know I'm trying to do something about it. Don't get me wrong, I don't want an eating disorder, I just don't see anything wrong with controlling things alot more then I was previously. I cant allow myself to stay fat my whole life just in case it triggers me into relapse! I dont know. I'm really tired, so maybe I'm not thinking straight. I just want my life to work again. Ever since I 'let go' everything has fallen apart, maybe not just because I'd 'let go' I know alot of other stuff had been going on aswell.. but it just feels like the only way I know out. Like I said, welcoming. Comforting. Safe. Plus considering I have a heart condition, it'll do me and my heart good for me to lose some weight.