Reactions!

I saw my support worker FINALLY on friday for a few hours [due to snow no-one was at work] But yeah, it was kinda joint for some of it with one of the other tenants who live here. Anyway; we ended up on the topic of attitudes towards our mental health issues.. starting on our families and friends, and then more in general.. we spoke about professionals and even in some cases there own ignorance and our annoyance of that considering there supposed to be there to help us when no-one else can.

In terms of the reactions I recieved, they have been fairly varied..

My parents ignored everything until they were having to take me/call ambulances more then once a week because of my self-harm/suicide attempts and at that point I hadnt figured out that passing out where people can very easily find you will ruin the plan..

My first GP was amazing even when by the time I was talking to her I was a mess.. Hallucinating and delusional, severely depressed and completely unable to function. Problematicly though was because I was convinced I was being poisoned by my mother, medications just weren't really much of an option. I know she was convinced that if my parents hadn't let things go on for so long, getting worse, then maybe being hospitalised wouldn't have been neccesary.

My maternal grandmother was brilliant. I mean AMAZING. She has her own diagnosis's anyway so I think she was definately able to empathise alot more with my plight. She told me that she was always there if I needed to talk and that she understood. I think at that point it was the very thing I needed to hear.

My best friend was brilliant. She was the ONLY person who visited me consistently when I was in hospital and continued after, she's still my best friend now; like another 7 hospitalisations onwards. Her mum has mental health issues though, so I think it was kinda like nothing could shock her, plus she'd been with me since the beginning *although we became closer as other friends couldn't cope with me being 'mental'* and had always said that she'd stick with me. I suppose I was just suprised to have someone actually do it.

Most of my other friends couldn't deal with it though, I lost a hell of a lot of friends during that first period, and then a few more later when things got excessively worse again.

My 'paternal' grandmother *'quote marks' being used because my father is not biologically my father, but thats a story for another time* was a lot more, move on with your life, get up, brush yourself off, your being stupid, lazy, pathetic..etc.. you name it she has probably said it.

My sisters reactions have greatly varied, when they were younger it was alot of the same stuff as my paternal grandmother, but once they got older and most people have that friend [whether close or not] that struggles in these kinda terms, so it was a lot more accepted and 'tolerated' It's not something they generally use against me anymore.. or use to throw in my face..Thank god the days of "Well, just go jump in front of a train" time comments are mainly over.

I think my biggest  dissapointment has been the attitude I have received from 'professionals' at times.. more often then I'm willing to remember really.. I think the fact that my diagnosis was 'Borderline Personality Disorder' made things the worst. [Despite the fact I don't agree with the diagnosis] It was often, "You've done this before, what ACTUALLY makes it different this time" "You feel like this a lot" Like feeling like killing myself regularly makes it OKAY! When I was hallucinating and delusional, it wasn't 'proper' psychosis, just puesdo-psychosis.. despite someone [before finding out my diagnosis] believing it was all the 'proper' stuff, not even mentioning the fact that the meds DO help me greatly.

To be told I probably just want attention when in fact the reason I was walking on train tracks was to attempt suicide.. Not exactly sure how thats supposed to be an attention thing, when you have cut your wrists, overdosed to high hell and attempted to hang yourself repeatedly and still find yourself alive because STUPID *but annoying caring* strangers feel the need to save you, phone police/ambulances.. the biggest problem is, the more I survive these damn attempts the more I'm percieved an 'attention-seeker' and therefore the more dangerous, impulsive and desperate my attempts become.

Assesments are supposed to be there to help you but they really don't, I get so anxious, I act angry and defensive, I know I am not going to be listened to *from experience* which stresses me out and fails to make me see the point in talking to them at all, which makes me look like a stroppy teenager, [Yes, I am still 19, therefore I AM still a teen; just about!] Just looking at my diagnosis makes up there minds for them, and although there are some periods when it's a relief when they wont keep me in, sometimes I really am UNABLE to keep myself safe and they refuse to help because I'm not really 'serious'
 There's all this bullshit everywhere of people not being discriminated against because of diagnosis's of personality disorders anymore.. and thats exactly what it is, BULLSHIT!

They can say that all they like but it's a complete and utter lie. It's not a diagnosis I agree with, I feel I was diagnosed FARRR too young and because that was there, everyone else chose not to look any further. I don't even fit half of the criteria, maybe a while ago I would of, but only at a stretch, if you refused to listen to my reasoning for things I've done.